There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

The speed of time is one second per second.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.