Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Hermits have no peer pressure.