Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

How young can you die of old age?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.