Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?