Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.