Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?