I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.