I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?