My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I lost a button hole.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.