My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.