My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.