When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'