One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?