One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

What a nice night for an evening.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.