If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Because I don't believe everything I read.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.