The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?