I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.