I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'