I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.