I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.