I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.