I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.