I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.