I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.