I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.