I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.