You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.