You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."