Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Half the people you know are below average.