I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.