I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'