I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.