Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I just lost a buttonhole.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.