Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.