Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.