Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.