If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.