I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.