I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?