I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."
Steven WrightFor a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
Steven WrightI used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven WrightOne day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
Steven Wright