Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?