You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.