George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?