George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.