George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.