George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda