When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.