I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.