I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Half the people you know are below average.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?