I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.