I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.