I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Day One: Still tired from the move.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'