I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?