I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

What a nice night for an evening.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?