I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I had my coat hangers spayed.