So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.