So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.