I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Do you have any toy train schedules?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.