I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?