I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.