I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.