I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

How young can you die of old age?

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.