You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?