You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.