You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I lost a button hole.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?