They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell