I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.