I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I can't stop thinking like this.