I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'