The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.