In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>