The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"