The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!