I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.