I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.