I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?