Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.