For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'