For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Do you have any toy train schedules?