I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?