I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.