I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'