If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!