If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I was skydiving horizontally.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.