If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?