I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.