I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?