I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.