I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.