I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.