I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"