I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.