My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.