My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?