My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.