My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?